#22/50: By: ZAPHOD (#41) (SIGOp) : good day...
 10/13/97 11:45am



SCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT

 t first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
apt and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give
ane else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
iingement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others
sll and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
g it is.

yhave a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set
toven using these keystrokes:

m.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//

enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

yhave a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven
w set itself and cook the dinner.

yhave a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of
t dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner,
athe desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will
culate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your
sification.

fwarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
o must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner
fm the oven and enter:

msodarn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap

 cess may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave
athen doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your
hware vendor.

yers have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
tn the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of
wh are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too
le to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

n are only available from registered outlets, and only the
cken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
c MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want
ather variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

rft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of
tr chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger
fly size.  Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must
baved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

roft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However,
t version has yet to be released.  Users have permission to get
tlled in advance.

rft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
fzer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not
aug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.





#28/50: By: Baron Von Zeppelin (#63) : Toasters...
 10/27/97 06:42pm

if IBM made toasters..
        they would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five,
maybe six toasters.

if Microsoft made toasters..
        Every time you bought a loaf of bread you would have to buy a toaster.
you wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it
anyway. Toaster 95 would weigh 15,000lbs (hence requiring a reinforced steel
counter top), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the
space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you
control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly
interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would
hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good
bread only works with thier toasters.

if Apple made toasters..
        it would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, only five years
earlier.



#29/50: By: Baron Von Zeppelin (#63) : Toasters continued
 10/27/97 07:19pm

if Xerox made toasters..
        you could toast one-sided or double sided, Successive slices would get
lighter and lighter. the toaster would jam your bread for you.

if Radio Shack made toasters..
        the staff would sell you a toaster but not know anything about it. Or
you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

if Oracle made toasters..
        they'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of
bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the bagle engine was still in
development, the croissant extension was 3 years away, and indeed that the
whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

if Sun made toasters..
        the toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cup of
Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?...
        they made good toasters in the 80's didn't they.

if Hewlett-Packard made toasters..
        they would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and
gives you regular bread.


#30/50: By: fred (#49) : my vms
 10/27/97 11:47pm

giant toaster still works, of course it requires
3 phase 230v power and sucks enough in one day
to power your house for a few years, but the toast...
simple as 1-2-3 and comes out the right way every time.




#31/50: By: Radio Free Willy (#3) : if the military made toasters...
 10/28/97 11:27am

they'd be made of graphite composite, and toast the bread in .1 seconds, unless
it was raining.

If Continental made toasters:

You'd have your pick of traditional, pulse-modulated, and class B solid state. 
You'd get a permit from the FCC to build it, then the company would tell you
what kind of building you would need.  You would contract with a power company
for the juice, or build your own generating station.  It would make great
toast, though sometimes only 33% efficient.  The excess heat would keep your
house nice and warm all winter.

If Borland made toasters:

They would be cheap, functional, and make great toast, but you'd have to listen
to the CEO's saxophone solos.


#32/50: By: Baron Von Zeppelin (#63) : 
 10/29/97 11:36am

if Intel made toasters...

        It would be called the Toastium with MMX technology, they would try to
get you to buy their toasters buy sending a bunch of weirdos in neon colored
lycra biohazard suits, who would jump out of this funky lookin van to the
sounds of disco music, who would then proceed to dance around the van as its
side opens up to reveal the marvolous new toaster which would have
multi-toastmedia capabilty and be 500% faster than the old model, so you could
the most out of your MMX toast.


#33/50: By: ZAPHOD (#41) (SIGOp) : WE have the
 10/29/97 03:00pm

Eastern electric, bitchen toaster for making sacrafices to the bred
god, it also makes an EXCELLENT fire alarm tester...
it is the source of all out bleckended bred crum needs
and we love it.


#34/50: By: Joseph (#1) (SysOp) : if GE made toasters
 10/31/97 01:23am

they'd be MUST TOAST TOASTERS.  they'd use that valuable toasting time while
you're waiting to show you advertisements.  the toaster would sort of pull away
from you and off to the right, and on the left an announcer would appear and
tell you about the news headlines, or a very special Frasier.

oh wait, they do, and they don't.



#35/50: By: Radio Free Willy (#3) : GE makes toasters.
 10/31/97 03:49pm

They come in intermediate and high yield, and can toast entire cities at once.



#36/50: By: American Spirit (#5) : Toast
 10/31/97 04:23pm

        If McDonalds made Toasters

        They would be Marketed for 3 months before they came out with a big
name basketball player. They would name it the McBig & Toasty. And sell it in a
Combo meal for $3.99.

        If Burger King found out McDonalds was making Toasters

        They would market it against the McBig & Toasty, with actually pictures
and charts on how it sucks compared to the Big Toaster King, and offer it for a
limited time for .99 cents.

        If Jack in the Box Found out about all the other Toasters

        They would create a seperate menu for all the different toasters you
could by for only .99 cents, with names like the Toasty Jack, and the sour
Toaster. They wouldn't be as good as the McBig & Toasty or the Big Toaster
King, but you will be able to purchase them after midnight for those late night
Toast needs.

        American Spirit


#37/50: By: fred (#49) : if ford made
 11/07/97 11:57pm

toasters, you'd have to pay extra for features, buy a 5 year service
contract and constantly worry about finding your toaster dead...




#38/50: By: Joseph (#1) (SysOp) : if compaq made toasters
 11/09/97 02:50pm

they'd toast their own bread, that comes with them, exceedingly well,
unless you press a button besides one of the three they expect you
to, in which case you may have to restart, and lose all your 
personal preferences.  you can't use bread from the supermarket;
if you do, it will behave erratically or shut down completely and
you will have to use QuickRestore, which returns the toaster to 
its original flawed configuration and untoasts, retroactively,
all the toast.


#39/50: By: Radio Free Willy (#3) : if the Pentagon made toasters
 11/11/97 02:31pm

they'd make great toast, but cost six million per.



#40/50: By: thok (#69) : heat data geese.  stomp torn fin.
 11/12/97 12:35am

the pentagon doesn't make toasters.

the pentagon gets private industry to make toasters, which it then procures.


#41/50: By: Baron Von Zeppelin (#63) : the Pentagon does
 11/13/97 03:19pm

make toasters, you just don't hear about them because the're actually black
projects that deal with reverse-engineering the alien toasters they found at
the Roswell crash site.


#42/50: By: Joseph (#1) (SysOp) : and
 11/16/97 02:40pm

they make bread from toast, actually.


#43/50: By: Radio Free Willy (#3) : i said "iff" the pentagon made toasters
 11/17/97 11:44am
 


#44/50: By: HAL 9000 (#73) : alien toasters are able to process beta
 11/17/97 10:37pm

only.  They regard beings that use VHS as barbarians.  




#45/50: By: fred (#49) : keep the toast
 11/19/97 10:23pm

i'll go to MC'Ds...